I'm Taking My Talents to Tumblr

After consulting with my blog constituents it has been decided that the best thing for me to do is take my blogging talents to Tumblr. My new LucianUpYourButtons URL is LucianUpYourButtons.tumblr.com .I know this is kind of annoying but it's not that complicated and none of you actually subscribed to this shit yet anyway. Tumblr is easier and more betterer.

Blogspot, not fiyyer, Tumblr, Hot Fiyyer.

New Link

That's where you can get all your Traptastic needs. Sorry for any confusion. Again, this is the new link.

TRAP OR DIET

We eatin over here, fuck is ya'll doing?

Cantaloupe Fiasco

Sesame Bun B

Jadaquiche

Ludacrisco

Papoosecous (Good lookin’ Dre Dre)

Sole’ja Boy

Gruyereci Mane

French Onion Soup Dogg

Quiche Murray

Waka Frosted Flakes

Gouda Gouda

Project Beef Patty

Joell OrCheezItz

Styles Peanutbutter and Jelly

Nelly Frittata

MacaGameia Nuts

Raekwonton

Wiz Khaliflower

Red Café Con Leche

The Rutabagas

Shawty Lo Mein

OutKasserole

Pep-C

Timbalamb

Rick Aross Con Pollo

J.Coleslaw

I Tutor The Students

About a week ago I was doing my usual routine of hanging out with nobody in the Kingsborough cafeteria when I got a text from this shawty I know who goes to URI. She had an advertising assignment and was stuck on how to make it reach it's more fiyerr potential. The assignment was to come up with: A) a chocolate bar B) a sales pitch for said chocolate bar C) a video ad implementing said sales pitch about said chocolate bar.

Shawty is a mad good friend from back in the day when I hated cigarettes and she came to me for help so of course I had to think of something. So I told shawty "Yo shawty, don't worry, I gots you." I brainstormed with myself for a minute and hit shawty back with my idea.

Choc-Lock-N-Drop It. The Hip Hop Hershey's. BAOW! Oh you need a sales pitch? Lucian Up shawty, I gots you. Let's say you and all your shawtyz is finna go to the club but DAMN, now one shawty just ain't feeling it. Well luckily for her now there's Choc-Lock-N-Drop It. BAOW! BAOW! BAOW! Problem solved, time to hit the club and gets funky. As for the video, well, I'll let shawty and her shawtyz speak for themselves.

Pawz

With the exception of UNK Jeans, gentrification and Ke$ha the "No Homo"/"Pause" craze might be the worst thing to happen to the urban world in the past decade (I realize Ke$ha isn't exactly urban but she is god awful and is therefore always an acceptable example of things that should never exist). It's an unstoppable movement that has dumbed down our society and annoyed the fuck out of everyone in the process. For those who may not be completely up to speed with all of the UGIs (Urban Gay Insults) let me bestow upon you (pause) a brief history in the world of hip-hop homophobia. It has long been believed that New York City-more specifically Harlem- is the birthplace of the "Pause", "No Homo" movement. It was originally created to give pardon to any words you might have strung together that could be interpreted as batti. No, seriously. Any regular sentence that could potentially have another gay connotation gets a PAUSE.

• Examples: "He was busting ass tonight on the court, no homo"
• "I can give you a ride if you want, pause though"
• "Should I meet you upstairs or are you coming down, pause"

You can substitute "coming down" for "come over", "coming over", "come by", "came"-basically anything involving the word come. Even when it is used in a logical, standard, directional purpose you still need to say "No Homo" or "Pause" because "come" sounds an awful lot like "cum" and that shit's for gays (obvs). I have two issues with this prematurely implied gayssociation that's become so common in everyday conversations. Beyond the immeasurable negative impact it's had on the gay community (cuz like you know, it makes it seem real bad to be gay and stuff) it makes having a normal conversation fucking impossible. To be honest, "No Homo" is hilarious. I don't care how ignorant or derogatory of a saying it may be "No Homo" is my jumpoff (no homo). The problem with it is it gets so abused that even the slightest hint of any word that could maybe have a gay meaning gets paused. You can't carry on a conversation for more than forty seconds without inadvertently spewing out (pause) a comment that will make some Harlem motherfucker pause the shit out of it and start giggling (pause). Really my dude? You're pausing me because I said the line for the bathroom was long? What was I supposed to say, the line was never ending? Eat a dick (no homo though). Now I can't use certain perfectly useable adjectives to describe a situation because YOUR cock-centric mind waves get a tingle (no homo) out of hearing them? Doesn't that actually make you gay? You took an asexual scenario and gave it subliminal homosexual implications. You sound subliminally homo.

However my beef with Harlem's Homo Hatred also lies in how it gets used. The constant usage negates the true Power of The Pause. If we pause anything and everything then what do we do when a dude actually makes a legit OD gay comment? Super Pause...? No but really, it takes the oomph out of it if we "No Homo" insignificant, barely gay stuff. Don't pause your boy when he orders a foot long from Subway, but DO pause him when he describes his clam chowder as "warm and creamy in my mouth". See the difference? One is just an unavoidable part of living life but the other is a totally avoidable unfortunate choice of words.

The same principle can be applied to people who use the word "crack" to describe anything that's exceptionally good. "This burger is straight crack yo". Word? That burger is so good and overwhelmingly pleasurable that you'd be willing to sever ties with all friends and family, spend every dollar you've ever accumulated just to wind up blowing a mailman in a bus stop in Red Hook for another one? Nah? So then maybe it isn't really crack. Maybe that burger is just Xanex. Yeah it's pretty good now and you're feeling alright but if you have another one you'll pass out and end up by the toilet all day tomorrow. Pause.

I Guess Now I'm a Rapper From Connecticut

Ok bear with me, I'm kind of new to this globbing lifestyle. I don't know how to do everything I want to do. For example, I want to embed this video of me spitting this hot fiyer freestyle in a room full of Connecticut gangstas but I can only post a link. Sure, you can still see the video but it involves actually going to a click a link as opposed to just pushing play. And you know how ADD most fools are these days, even clicking a link is too much effort.

But for those who don't mind going that extra egregious step of clicking a link I have a treat for you. In some sort of Four Loko haze I must've ended up in this bro'd out crib with the most frootyiest of Froot Loops beats bangin in the background and decided to do my Mic Check 1,2 1,2 thing.

It's not actually me but I'd be lying if when I first saw it I was wholeheartedly embarrassed that I had made this video. Then I realized it could never be me: I'm too paid to freestyle.



Although on second watch dude's first line goes:
"If stuntin is a habit you know I'm addicted, I'm a diamond in the dirt whose been found and sifted".

Damn, I must've been fucked up because I don't remember this night at all.

Detrick BBM Sesh

Fellow wordsmith and trapstar enthusiast Ben Detrick (You can follow him on the twitter, it's worthwhile @bdetrick) often have BBM convo's where pure lava is spit. I decided to transcribe one of those exchanges.

Enjoy.

(Nothing was changed or edited. This is seriously how we speak to each other. It's sickening.)

Me: Susan Lucci Mane

BEN:Lucchi Gotta Crazy

You seen un prophet? Shit is grimy

The lead character is an Algerian looch

Me:I’m not sure I caught anything you just said

Ben:Italian gangster flick called “unprophet”

About a 19 year old Algerian looch-alike

Me:I think you’ve told me about it before

Ben:Nah, this my first time watching it

He also has a big cut on his face

Me: Ah of course. But does he have the streets on click clock?

Ben: Well he’s getting beaten and robbed in jail at the moment

Me: So I guess it’s not exactly my biopic

Ben: Mockumentary

Me: Blockumentary

Gods they sent for me

Ben:Wakamentary

Me: I got stocks eventually

Guap for centuries

Ben: Glocks a plenty, no crocs on ben’s feet

Me:Docks are friendly, on yachts I met Meech

Ben: Vodka, lemonseed, schnaps, grenadine

Me: Wops break bread with me, pasta heavy cheese

Ben: Squash, celery ensconced in fennel beads

Lulz, this movie has a Nas song.

Me: That was fun.

Thug Motivation

"It ain't nothing to a boss, my goons got goons,
House stupid dumb big, my rooms got rooms."

That of course is the best line from "Lose My Mind", the song that I guess would've been the single for Jeezy's new album except he doesn't have an actual album. But that's not the point. With that one bar Jeezy instantaneously put himself back on the (Bottom of the) map. That map of course being the blueprint for "stupid dumb stupid rap lines that will now give me ammo to turn into other stupid dumb stupid shit and help time pass by" map.

Thanks Jizzle!! Here we go.

Lake stupid dumb big, my loons got loons

Fungi stupid dumb big, my 'shrooms got 'shrooms

Armed forces stupid dumb big, my platoons got platoons

Solar system stupid dumb big, my moons got moons

Nut family stupid dumb big, my legumes got legumes

Racial slur lexicon stupid dumb big, my coons got coons (just kidding)

Severe Pacific Ocean weather patterns stupid dumb big, my typhoons got typhoons

Exhaust system stupid dumb big, my fumes got fumes

Desert stupid dumb big, my dunes got dunes

Midday stupid dumb big, my noons got noons

And just for "Slick">>> Squad stupid dumb big, my hoons got hoons