Friday, December 10, 2010


With the exception of UNK Jeans, gentrification and Ke$ha the "No Homo"/"Pause" craze might be the worst thing to happen to the urban world in the past decade (I realize Ke$ha isn't exactly urban but she is god awful and is therefore always an acceptable example of things that should never exist). It's an unstoppable movement that has dumbed down our society and annoyed the fuck out of everyone in the process. For those who may not be completely up to speed with all of the UGIs (Urban Gay Insults) let me bestow upon you (pause) a brief history in the world of hip-hop homophobia. It has long been believed that New York City-more specifically Harlem- is the birthplace of the "Pause", "No Homo" movement. It was originally created to give pardon to any words you might have strung together that could be interpreted as batti. No, seriously. Any regular sentence that could potentially have another gay connotation gets a PAUSE.
  • Examples: "He was busting ass tonight on the court, no homo"
  • "I can give you a ride if you want, pause though"
  • "Should I meet you upstairs or are you coming down, pause"
You can substitute "coming down" for "come over", "coming over", "come by", "came"-basically anything involving the word come. Even when it is used in a logical, standard, directional purpose you still need to say "No Homo" or "Pause" because "come" sounds an awful lot like "cum" and that shit's for gays (obvs). I have two issues with this prematurely implied gayssociation that's become so common in everyday conversations. Beyond the immeasurable negative impact it's had on the gay community (cuz like you know, it makes it seem real bad to be gay and stuff) it makes having a normal conversation fucking impossible. To be honest, "No Homo" is hilarious. I don't care how ignorant or derogatory of a saying it may be "No Homo" is my jumpoff (no homo). The problem with it is it gets so abused that even the slightest hint of any word that could maybe have a gay meaning gets paused. You can't carry on a conversation for more than forty seconds without inadvertently spewing out (pause) a comment that will make some Harlem motherfucker pause the shit out of it and start giggling (pause). Really my dude? You're pausing me because I said the line for the bathroom was long? What was I supposed to say, the line was never ending? Eat a dick (no homo though). Now I can't use certain perfectly useable adjectives to describe a situation because YOUR cock-centric mind waves get a tingle (no homo) out of hearing them? Doesn't that actually make you gay? You took an asexual scenario and gave it subliminal homosexual implications. You sound subliminally homo.

However my beef with Harlem's Homo Hatred also lies in how it gets used. The constant usage negates the true Power of The Pause. If we pause anything and everything then what do we do when a dude actually makes a legit OD gay comment? Super Pause...? No but really, it takes the oomph out of it if we "No Homo" insignificant, barely gay stuff. Don't pause your boy when he orders a foot long from Subway, but DO pause him when he describes his clam chowder as "warm and creamy in my mouth". See the difference? One is just an unavoidable part of living life but the other is a totally avoidable unfortunate choice of words.

The same principle can be applied to people who use the word "crack" to describe anything that's exceptionally good. "This burger is straight crack yo". Word? That burger is so good and overwhelmingly pleasurable that you'd be willing to sever ties with all friends and family, spend every dollar you've ever accumulated just to wind up blowing a mailman in a bus stop in Red Hook for another one? Nah? So then maybe it isn't really crack. Maybe that burger is just Xanex. Yeah it's pretty good now and you're feeling alright but if you have another one you'll pass out and end up by the toilet all day tomorrow.

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